From Arthur to Stella: ‘the very thought of you as the goddess of desire fills me with restlessness’

Monday
London
Sweetheart,
Thank you for a VERY nice vision-producing letter yesterday, which was all the nicer because I didn’t expect it. Unexpected letters from you are always nice, but this nicer than ever. Why is it that, loving you as I do, I still like to think of you being tormented sometimes, as I am? And I do like to think that sometimes you long for me as I long for you. Anyway, you have your revenge for you have stirred up that dreamy, deep-down feeling in me which will leave me unsettled all day and is bound to give me an almost irresistible urge to jump the Merseyside express at Euston so that by tonight your thigh to thigh vision of me would come true. If only it could! As a matter of interest, do you find the “magic” pre-vapour period more trying than other times, or are your urges controlled and stimulated by other, perhaps unknown, influences? Oh, my angel, the very thought of you as the goddess of desire fills me with restlessness to gather you up close and hard, and to gaze tenderly at you, too. I cannot understand why you will never realise that I can, in certain controlled moods, spend hours just gazing at your body. Although we have been married all these years, I have never been able, at any one time, to satisfy my visual hunger. Always you complain that it is too cold or you get bashful and creep into bed, but one day I’m going to lock every door in the house, pull across all the curtains, light every fire and spend a full day watching you walk round delightfully nude. Paradise in which there will be intervals of ever deeper joy. But I must confess that, just now, I’d be very content to be leaning over you in bed, gazing deep into your eyes and kissing all those very kissable spots of yours from your eyelids downwards. Sweetheart, my own, I love you very very dearly and, mad oaty as I am at the moment, it is not all oats you know. Memories of you snuggled on my knee in the armchair, big with child or slim without, are very very dear to me. After an interval to cool off, during which I didn’t weep for love of you but John did!, I’m back trying to be more practicable.
Jack has made one of his famous parcels of the doll’s head, which I’m posting at the same time as this letter so you should receive it about the same time. Let me know if it arrives safely or not, won’t you, and also what you think of it. Have you made a start on any of the bedclothes yet or have you been too busy with the other and more urgent problems of sewing? I have got, by the way, half a dozen Admiralty Xmas cards and a calendar. I think I’ll send the latter to Lilian and Eric and one of the cards I’ll use for Jack and Dot. Will you think of a few others for the other cards and that will save you sending some at least. I thought of Geo and Bert and family for two of them and if I sign them from all of us it will let you out. Who else is there? Yes I was thinking about you all on the fifth and mentioned to Dougie what a shame it was that the children’s parents have been robbed of so much fun! Did you ever go in for big bonfires? We did but never seemed to achieve our ambition of having a really big one of our own that would burn for a couple of hours. What a fine way of getting rid of all your garden and household rubbish! In these days it hurts to think of all the mattresses I have seen burned on bonfires in waste fields. I quite agree with you about Nelson’s hoarding abilities. He’ll make a young fortune on Armistice Day! Mother had a friend who kept an old general shop at one time and she was very good to me. I can’t remember whether it was November 1918 or 1919 but it was long before the manufacture of fireworks had been recommenced that she found an old tin trunk of pre-war fireworks and gave me a little box full of them. Nothing has ever meant quite as much as they did to me. Needless to say, they were above the price of rubies in the eyes of my fellow schoolboys.
I told Eric of the interest the children are taking in, and of the fun they are getting out of, our map, for I felt that it was the sight of his map that set you going as much as anything. When I come home again perhaps they’ll take me on a conducted tour, eh? That might appeal to them. I agree that this is one of the better sides of a global war. I wonder if it will set Michael off on the desire to be a real sailor? It might, quite easily you know, and I must say in some ways I’d like to see him taking up the sea because I’d feel he was achieving my own youthful frustrated ambitions. And there’s no doubt that, in peacetime, it’s a grand life for a single fellow. I know that if I’d had two or three years at sea before going into newspapers, I’d stand a hell of a good chance of a decent job now.
Now, love, an interlude while I make lunch. After that, if today’s letter hasn’t arrived, I’ll leave answering it until tomorrow and get this letter and parcel off.
Dinner over. I’ve already posted the parcel by the mid-day collection as I had to go out for a loaf.Many thanks for your letter, the first sentence of which answers my question about the relationship, if any, of oatiness to vapours! Hope the vapours won’t be too bad, although by the time you get the letter the worst part will be over I expect. It seems only a week or so since you last wrote about vapours, which shows that time is slipping by. Be careful not to catch cold in the tummy, won’t you? It’s been very much colder here in the last few days and I’m wondering if the profusion of berries really does portend a hard winter.
I can appreciate the shock you got over the parcel, but I’ll bet the children got a real kick out of opening it. Your solution of the payment problem seems ideal providing you can spare the coupons. If you have any spares will you hold them for the purchase of Xmas presents? I may need them again as I did last year and will you please let me have a list of “possibles” in time for Xmas as I’d like to get some of my shopping done well in advance this year if it is at all possible. Vera’s parcel seems to have been very good value and will give you a start towards next summer. What a help it must be to you to feel that the next “season” – summer or winter – is at least partly catered for. I’m looking forward to seeing Wendy in your coat and hope that it is a success. You must have the patience of Job, but I would have liked to see the shuttle service between our house and Gardiner’s.
I’m glad you are moving the furniture around because sometimes I despair when I think of that settee. There’s five years extra wear gone out of that suite already with the cat and the children. If you can get the shelter moved it would be a good idea and Bill may have a couple of rollers he can use on the job. Without them it will be impossible.
I have my doubts about Wendy’s doll being kept for April unless it is really late for Xmas, but we’ll have to wait until nearer the time. It’s nice of you to say what you did about the Xmas tree, but never mind, love, we’ll have a smacker on my first Christmas at home. Perhaps this year you will not feel quite so keenly about it, for the first year is always the worst, isn’t it?
Really, sweet, you will have to keep better hours. Midnight, indeed, and me away! It’s later than I go to bed here for I’m nearly always bedded down by 11, although I find that I don’t go off to sleep so easily unless we have had our nightly warning. It’s quite like the old days again except now we wonder just when the siren will go instead of knowing to within five or ten minutes as we used to do. That was a nasty business at Putney Bridge, wasn’t it? And it just shows how unlucky one bomb can be.
Well, angel, that’s all the news for now. I love you still, vapours or no vapours, and I’m trying to get my urges properly under control again, but I must confess that John is beginning to get tired with the strain of standing continually to attention in honour of Mary! I’m going to town this afternoon for another look round and to make one more attempt to get a fretsaw from Hobbies, so I’m afraid I must be off now.
My love to the children and tell them I’m looking forward to hearing from them soon. I hope Wendy will write her own letter.
Goodbye for now, sweetheart, and take care of yourself for me because I love you so. All my love to you, dearest.
Ever your own,
Arthur X